Saturday, August 15, 2015
Beautifully Unbroken By D.M. Brittle Sale
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I nodded before lifting my eyes to Blake’s.
“Blake,” I said quietly just as a tear escaped. He knew what I was about to say to him. “Don’t do this; please, Jo, don’t.”
I leaned towards him and placed my lips against his. I could taste the salt from my tears against his mouth. Our lips stayed locked together. I felt Blake’s body shudder before I felt a tear fall from his eyes, crashing hard against our lips. I pulled away slowly. “This weekend has been—”
“Don’t.” He placed his finger to my lips and shook his head. “It’s over. She’s gonna get help. Don’t let her do this.”
“I have to,” I said unconvincingly.
“We can’t just throw everything away that we have found this weekend, Jo. You know yourself. What we have . . . it’s more . . . much more. You have my heart now. I gave you my heart; please don’t break it . . . please.” The thought of breaking his heart was killing me. I wasn’t only breaking his heart, but I was shattering mine too. But I had to walk away now; I had no choice.
“Something happened to me four years ago; Sara just brought it all back tonight. I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get close to you in the first place, Blake, but I did, and now I have to pay the price. We can’t be together; I will ruin us, I will ruin you. I can’t take that chance.” Blake’s lips pressed against mine firmly, and then he was above me, kissing me deep, hard, frantically. His hands held my face, his fingers gripping to my hair, not wanting to let me go. He pulled his lips away and looked down at me, breathing hard.
“I love you. I know you probably don’t believe me right now, but I do, Jo; I fucking love you with every bone in my body. And I am begging you, don’t do this to me, to us. Please, Jo, don’t.” My breath caught as my heart slammed hard against my chest. I managed to push Blake from above me, and I climbed quickly off the bed.
“I need you to go,” I sobbed. Blake scrambled off the bed, and I backed away.
“Don’t. Please, Blake, you don’t understand. I need you to go; we can’t carry on like this—not now.”
“I know you love me too, Jo; I can feel it. You were going to tell me only yesterday as we lay in that bed; I know you were, but you thought it was too soon, so you stopped yourself. I know that you love me, Jo, and you know that I love you too, so doing this makes no sense.”
“It makes sense to me!” I yelled.
“Then tell me!” he yelled back. “Tell me what it is that’s making you do this! You are breaking me, Jo; you are going to break me if you make me walk out of your life. I love you!”
“Stop! Stop. Just please stop!” I placed my head into my hands. “I’m no good for you; you will see that. You will be glad I stopped this before it got too far. You will see.”
“It’s already too far.” I looked up to see Blake pacing the room, running his hands frantically through his hair. “I’m crazy about you, Jo; I have never felt like this about anyone, and I know I never will again.”
“I told you I feared happiness. Do you see why now?”
“I can make this better, Jo; I can fix this. Please, don’t do this to us.”
“I need you to go,” I said firmly.
“Tell me why. Tell me why I need to go, and I will walk out of here and not bother you again. Just tell me, please,” he begged.
“No” was my simple answer. We stood silent for a few moments, both breathing hard, our eyes silently talking as he begged me not to do this and I told him I needed to even though I didn’t want to. “Look,” Blake said, breaking the silence, “I’m sorry that you have been messed around in the past. I’m sorry that because of it, you feel the need to push me away. But I am not the past; I’m your here, your now, your future. I can fix it if you just tell me what happened. I promise you I will fix it; I will fix you.”
“You can’t fix it, Blake, no one can. That’s what happens when you get broken one too many times.”
“Jo, I am so sorry; for everything. I am sorry that I have shut you out, I am sorry that I don’t talk to you as much as I should anymore, I am so, so sorry that I missed our appointment. I am sorry for everything. Please Jo, let me talk to you.”
“Do you know what Blake? I don’t want to hear it anymore,” Jo sighed. “I get it okay? Your mum has cancer and you are scared that she is going to die but guess what Blake? She needs you, she needs you now more than ever but instead of being there for her like you should have been you have closed yourself off, you have shut us out, every single one of us but most of all you have shut out your poor mum, she is the one suffering here Blake, not you. The only person that you care about right now Blake is yourself.”
“That’s not true,” I replied sadly.
“God Jo that is so far from the truth that you don’t even understand.” My voice became shaky as the emotion that I had been holding onto for the past couple of weeks was slowly pushing its way to the surface.
“Then tell me then!” Jo yelled loudly before turning briefly to the cribs as though the babies were in there. “For Christ’s sake Blake please just tell me, I am your wife. We made a promise to each other on our wedding day to love each other always; for better for worse, richer or poorer.” She looked up at me once more, “in sickness and in health. So please Blake, let me in, because I am about this close to packing my bags and leaving you. We didn’t even sleep in the same bed as each other last night! How the hell do you think that makes me feel when you didn’t even come to bed with me!” She inhaled a shaky breath before calming her voice once more. “You are not the Blake that I married, you are not the Blake that I fell in love with, I don’t even recognize you anymore, I want my Blake back, I need you back Blake, please.”
“I am trying to protect you Jo,” I said trying to remain calm.
“Protect me from what Blake? Please tell me because I have absolutely no idea what or who it is that I need protecting from!” “Me!” I yelled; finally ready to let my emotions take over. “That is what I am trying to protect you from Jo; I am trying to protect you from me because I am losing control! Damn it Jo, I have already lost control! The two people who I love more than anything are both suffering and it is out of my control, it is out of my control and it is killing me that I have no way of controlling the outcome. I am the fixer Jo; I am the person who always knows what to do to make things better, but now? Now I don’t have a clue what I am going to do to help anyone, I want to help both of you, I want to take away any problems, any risks and any danger that both you and my mother face but the fact that I can’t? I hate myself so much because I have let you both down! The whole thing has been building over time and I now realize that everything bad that has happened has all been my fault and the way that I am going to be punished is by having you and my mother taken away from me, don’t you see that?”